A Safe Place?

There have been many ups & downs so far in this journey of recovery. Throughout, I have always found a safe haven in the rooms of AA & in the company of a very small number of trusted confidants. I have also gathered much strength at times from keeping this blog, and from the 250+ of you who subscribe to it via Blogger & Twitter & send me such encouraging messages of support.

Tonight, as I sit here with sleep evading me (despite having been prescribed enough sedatives today to anaesthetise a horse) I'm not feeling very safe. I have learned that people I believed to be friends in recovery have used me & this blog only to gain personal information about me that is none of their business. And then used that information to get close to me, so that they in turn can then use me for their own ends as it suits them.

I'm in a strange position writing this, because I have learned & so have no doubt that there are people reading only to satisfy their own obsession of having to check in to what I'm doing or saying in order to find out whether I'm in a vulnerable enough place for them to exercise their usual manipulative, selfish and dishonest tactics of "being my friend". Or alternatively to scrutinise what I say here, on Twitter & in chatrooms, searching for anything that might be a reference to themselves to feed their continuing pattern of finding justification for treating me with contempt & disrespect when overtaken by the aggressive form of resentment characteristic of so many of us alcoholics.

It is a strange scenario indeed to feel vulnerable & exposed when writing my own journal.

I knew there would always be a risk using the Internet. That is why I have only allowed a trusted few people to know who Alcomum really is. Finding out one of them is not trustworthy has caused me a great deal of distress today. Especially when I should have known better. And I am so angry at myself for allowing myself to be manipulated into a situation of feeling I had a trusted friendship that was of great value to us both. When really I have been nothing but a stop gap. An "in case of emergency" person who would do as a first port of call in the dark terrors of early mornings that so many alcoholics can identify with. All the time telling me what enormous value was placed on our relationship. After all the pain inflicted on me when we were a couple before we got into AA, look what God had been able to salvage. And how grateful he was to still have me in his life in any capacity whatsoever.

But, consistent with the advice I have been given by a good sponsor & other good people, I have never in sobriety been "a friend with benefits". I did always think it strange that my ex-partner was so insistent we should never be at the same meeting at the same time. He said he was worried that because of the depth of feeling we still shared, he wouldn't trust himself to share honestly without thinking of things to say that would impress me. I understand now that was because he was trying to impress others! while he has always maintained to me that he needs to change all his womanising ways and wouldn't even sit next to a woman in AA, that has clearly not been the case. His own ego deemed it necessary to tell me he has "had coffee" with a number of women who had more than coffee in mind. Seeing him giving women lifts to meetings & going for coffee after would have naturally been inconsistent with what he was telling me. And while him telling me one thing and doing another behind my back was normal when we were together, I foolishly believed him to be genuine when he said he needed time alone to work through his recovery programme in AA & SA. And was prepared to give whatever support he needed.

People around me, with experience of these things, tried to warn me he was only after one thing. And that when a sex addict with a serious porn & prostitute habit stretching back at least 15 years isn't getting what he needs, he has to go elsewhere unless he has a very tight programme. And that because such people have an overwhelming desire to need to feel wanted, the addiction would manifest itself as a new relationship as the addict kids themselves that they are changing. The porn, prostitutes and other seedy elements of that condition can take a backseat for a while because the new "romance" fills the gap in their soul to the exclusion of all else. Including in particular relationships that are not sexual.

I get that. But I did not find it any easier to hear from the person who has been closest to me through all the difficulties of the last year, and who only 3 weeks ago was telling me again how great it was to still have me in his life, gave me a spare key to his house, & was offering me practical support with mundane little jobs round my house, that he is in a new relationship. Not in the context of "you're my friend & I wanted you to know, and you're still my friend & I hope you always will be", but in the context of "got a new girl now, so see ya".

I know I put myself in the position where I could be used. And I naively thought that I could be there for him as he had been for me. And I knew there was a risk that all his talk of change was just hot air. Yet finding that out for sure has still sent me into a spin. I am struggling with that feeling of having been duped. Again. By the same bloody person! I see now that he talked the good talk with me to keep his options open til a better option with more benefits came along. I see now we were never really friends at all.

But this revelation coming on the back of such darkness at the weekend - per my previous post - has tipped my mental well being over the
edge again. The obviously lacking concern shown about it by "friend" cut like a knife. My doctor insisted on seeing me this afternoon. And has attempted to sedate me with vetinary strength pharmaceuticals, but I've been sat here typing this post on my phone since 4am. And if I'm not feeling better when I see him again at 9am then he is intending to admit me back into hospital. Which is not an exciting prospect.

I love my ex partner dearly. And I fear for his health & his life by his getting into a relationship with another AA long before finishing his AA programme & having apparently abandoned his SA one altogether. But I do understand we make our own choices in life. And the important choice for me right now is to surround myself with my support network of people who genuinely care for me and have no agenda, hidden or otherwise, as they do so.

I get that I don't handle negative emotions well. And I am very hard on myself when I feel I could have or should have known better in a situation or conducted myself with more decorum & detachment. But knowing these things isn't pulling me out of this.

So I have lost my safe places. But I won't stop writing about my experience & my truth. And I won't stop going to meetings and sharing honestly about what it's like today. I have already allowed myself to be influenced too much by people who have not earned the right to exert it. The Bible says "know the truth, and the truth will set you free". I know my truth. And while I may well be one of the people the Big Book talks about having serious emotional & mental disorders, I do have the capacity to be honest. And I intend to keep it. Seeing it lacking in others who profess it makes me realise what a precious gift it is.

God says he has plans to prosper me & not harm me. Plans to give me hope & a future. I have no doubt that some day I will see that I have not really lost a friend, but I have been removed from a relationship that has been based on lies from the start before it could cause me even more harm.

But for today, that hurts. And I don't have my safe place. AA is a far more incestuous place than I realised. And my blog has been used by someone close to me as nothing more than a reconnaissance mission to manipulate conversations & circumstances.

I pray God will guide me back.

Suicidal Thoughts

I really thought my days of those were done. But, yet again, the insidious and deadly nature of this disease has snuck up on me and pounced.

I had a total meltdown last night. My kids were with their dad and I was home alone. It was suggested to me early in AA never to let myself get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired. And I think, looking back, I was all 4. I was very depressed, and extremely distressed. Out of nowhere, a bottle of wine felt like the thing I should do. And I truly believed in that moment that I could have had just one bottle last night then woken up this morning and started again. Even though I have learned in AA that my body doesn't work like that - one bottle would trigger a craving for more bottles. And I can have a lot of bottles indeed.

I have heard many times - and had to practice - the addage of "Don't lift a drink, lift the phone". But I didn't want to. I knew I should. So I rang my sponsor - couldn't get him. I decided that lifting a knife was a better plan. I knew that cutting myself would clear a bit of space in my head and drain away the panic, making a bit of room for me to think. So I plotted for a while about where I could cut that wouldn't be noticed by my children.

I knew I should call comeone else. But everyone I thought of was dismissed. They wouldn't understand. And I wouldn't know how to explain to them.

I did know that my thoughts and feelings were not rational. But the overwhelming desire to drink and to cut, together with the fact there was nothing positive in my mind at all, took me to a new low.

That's when the thought that I could take all the medication in my cupboard dropped in. And suddenly I had my answer. My way out of this madness. But what about my children? I couldn't have their dad bringing them home and finding me there. I would need to go somewhere else. Or warn someone what I was doing. But then they might try to stop me.

I was a failure and a fraud. I had sat in my AA meeting at lunchtime yesterday acting as secretary. I had been asked to do the chair at next Friday's meeting. And I felt I was doing those things with a genuine heart. Yet here I was, 11 months sober to the day, busting for a drink and desperately trying to figure out which way of ending my life would cause least distress to my children.

The pressure was unbearable. If this is where the rubber hits the road, then my journey was over. I could see myself as another AA statistic. "Did you hear she went out on the drink again?" "And she seemed to be doing so well". Where was my God? Where was my programme?

Turns out, they were right where they always are. Where they should be. In me and around me. I was afraid to get off the sofa, as the kitchen had too many dangers in it. I thought I should get out of the house, but I feared I would drive the car into a wall.

Then the phone rang. My sponsor returning my call. I picked it up. I didn't want to. But I did it. My sponsor came out to my house. He sat with me. Talked with me. Helped me see that I am not any crazier than I was before last night. Many alcoholics experience this. Many more than once. And together, we figured out what was really wrong.

Rejection. And fear.

I will post more detail about how that came about later. But suffice to say for now that I have not yet had to encounter any major rejection while I have been sober. And prior to getting sober, I handled rejection by self-medicating. With alcohol as my drug of choice. My anaesthetic. And when that didn't work I used self-harm. Sometimes I did both. Pull out all the stops to not feel the pain.

Last night, I felt the pain. And it hurt. But by the grace of God and the kindness and patience of a fantastic sponsor, I managed to not cause any more - unecessary - pain to myself or anyone else.

This morning. I'm tired and sore. And I feel both raw and numb at the same time. But I'm sober. Not hungover. Have no new cuts anywhere on my body. Not filled with the guilt, shame and remorse that could have been.

I am an depressive alcoholic. I have met every good and bad event in my life for quite a few years with a drink in one hand and a knife in the other. I don't know how to do anything else. I have to learn.

Last night, I had a hard lesson. And I thank God I passed the test.

I'm still here. Still breathing in and out.

Bill W wrote "How dark it is before the dawn!" This morning, the sun is out. And I'm going for a walk to enjoy it.

Flat Day

That's what my sponsor calls days like today. When I'm feeling quite down and struggling to do, well, anything at all.

This is the part of recovery where I am learning there is no quick fix. No instant solution. No miracle cure for depression. Yet I have spent all of my adult life looking for those things. While I have learned in recovery that they don't exist, my brain has not quite caught up with that yet...

I think I am not helping things by putting extra pressure on myself and unrealistic expectations on others. My financial situation remains turbulent to say the least! I have spent a lot of years making a lot of poor decisions, and while I am now willing to face up to those and deal with them head on, that too takes time. No quick fix. And finding myself unable to work while I recover from my mental breakdown leaves me dealing with public sector red tape to try to ensure any form of income. And it seems that no sooner do I get one thing sorted out with one government department via the stress of appealing their decision to refuse to award me a particular benefit, than another one takes something different away and I have to appeal that. And the process takes time. No instant solutions.

So I have a lot of old, unmanageable life financial wreckage to be picked through one piece at a time. And I have my current financial instability caught up in the welfare state system, to be faced a day at a time.

Then I add myself to that mix.

Explosion.

And there is the basic premise of Step 3 and Step 7. Do I hand this all over to the care of God as I understand Him? Or do I indulge in worry, fear, stress, isolation, anger, bitterness, resentment, shouting and swearing, any or all of the above?

Acceptance is the key. I have heard it said so many times. My job in any situation, is to do the next right thing. When there are forms to fill in and calls to be made, I should do that and then leave it alone. Instead of spending time and energy wishing things were different. And trying to predict the future. What if? If only... Or, my personal favourite, jumping into that time machine I love so much to go back and MAKE things different. God can't even do that!

I read this recently in As Bill Sees It, and again today in Daily Reflections:

"Our very first problem is to accept our present circumstances as they are, ourselves as we are, and the people about us as they are."

A problem indeed.

But there is a solution. The fact that the solution is not a magic wand doesn't make it any less a solution. This recovery programme is simple: decisions + actions = results. There is no guarantee that the results will be instant!

But there is a promise they will come. IF I make the right decisions and back those up with the right actions.

On a day like today, I kinda hate that it depends on me!